The week so far

I have caught the mouse, the mouse is no more, the mouse is deceased. The mouse had a spring loaded trap whack it across the nose leaving its eyes sticking out on their storks. R.I.P Bojangles.

I have considered the family he may have left behind, but the fact remains that you don't invade my house.

However this mouse did have some brains (as the trap clearly proved). Based on its position at point of death is appeared to have tried to lean forward and lift the bread from the trap. Hence the trap had only just managed to catch it by the snout. What Bojangles was unaware of though was my clearly superior intelligence. I had coated the underside of the bread with honey. This meant that the offering was harder to lift from the death trap.

In your face Mr Mouse. No mouse is a match for me. I will win. I have won. I have been victorious.

I have placed another trap to catch his wife but as of yet she has made no appearance. I can only hope he was a bachelor.

What does man keep in his drawers

We men, having given over our houses to our wives, girlfriends and womenfolk, are defined by our one last place that we can truly call our own...... The Man Drawer.

We don't require very much, Just one drawer – this is the man drawer. We eventually spot an unused drawer in the house and we casually ask our partner,
“Are you using that drawer for anything dear?” Then we have it, our very own place for general domestic maintenance items and everything else we think we may need in the future.

Light-bulbs. Should a light-bulb within the home blow, the man will search his man drawer. He will have a selection of bayonets fitting bulbs in various wattage. And even though every light fitting in the house takes the bayonet bulb, man will have a small selection of screw fitting bulbs there too.

We will fill this drawer with batteries of undetermined life. We are unable and incapable of throwing a battery away. The remote may stop working, where we will search our man drawer and test the plethora of triple A's that are in the man drawer until we find 4 that work. What do we do with the old and seemingly dead batteries, we put them back in the man drawer. We will actually be heard telling our womenfolk that we may be able to ooze a little more life out of them if we mix them with good ones. We have even been known to carefully place old batteries under the pillow at night, wrapped in a couple of socks, because our dads told us this would fetch a little more life from them. So worry no longer woman, next time you find a sock under your man's pillow stuffed with batteries. It is not a weapon.

We will hoard all our instruction guides in the man drawer. Even after the appliance has long broken and been discarded, the instructions will be safely maintained in our man drawer, sometimes in alphabetical order. It will get so full that we will need a flat sided tool to open it when it has wedged shut from all the old and useless instruction guides. Where is this special tool, it's in our man drawer of course. We will have the instruction guide to our 1988 Argos toaster in there. Even though it was discarded in 1994.

Foreign currency. That goes in the man drawer. Should Greece ever leave the Euro and I will be able to immediately buy milk in Corfu. If men all emptied their man drawers we could probably create a rescue package for Greece should they leave the Euro.We will have spare change from every European city that we have visited. Even though they now use the Euro we will have Pesetas, Drachma, Francs and Centavos to name a few. All of which must be kept in the man drawer.

The next thing that you will find in the man drawer is keys. Even keys from houses we have not lived in for ten years will be there. Keys we have never seen. We can happily throw away and old and broken lock, but we are incapable of throwing away the key. We secretly want to attach them all to a big bunch and hang them from a chain which is attached to our waistband allowing the keys to sit in our pocket.
The master of all man keys in the man drawer, the pinnacle of masculinity is actually the smallest key; the radiator bleeding key. A job that only man thinks he can do. Almost more important than cooking sausages on a BBQ. We even bleed radiators for fun. The boiler blows up, We start by bleeding the radiator. We call out the gas engineer and while he is carefully taking the cover from the boiler, we inform him that we have bled the radiators, nodding our heads casually. Holding our hands up in sheer exasperation that this has not worked.

We will regularly circumnavigate our house feeling each radiator for minuscule areas that may be a degree lower than the rest of the radiator. Radiator bleeding key in hand, just in case.

Honestly, this is my last political rant, normal service will be resumed.

This is hopefully my last political rant. This will not be politically correct so look away now if you are easily offended.

Firstly, we are supposed to be proud of being British. Apparently the government know exactly where every untaxed car is located among the millions of car owners in the UK, but we haven't got a fucking clue where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located.

Maybe Gordon Brown should put the fucking DVLA in charge of immigration.

Talking of Gordon Brown, He is what is known as a fencepost tortoise. If you are not sure of what one is then think of it this way. You are driving along a country lane when you stop in a lay-by and you see a tortoise on top of a fencepost. You know he didn’t get there by himself, he definitely doesn’t belong there, he doesn’t know what to do while he is there, and you just have to wonder what kind of idiot put him there in the first place.
But party loyalties aside I think of the current economic crisis like this. Recession is when your neighbour loses his job. Depression is when you lose your job. Recovery is when Gordon fucking Brown loses his.

Moving away from Mr Brown for a moment David Cameron says that the key to winning the younger voters is through the internet. Yet all he puts on the internet are boring web-cam videos on You-tube about his day at home. Now, if he really wanted to win the internet market, he would sneak in to 10 Downing Street at night, shave off Gordon Brown's hair, draw a big dick on his forehead, fuck his wife, film the whole thing, then put it on You-tube.

David Cameron lives in Notting Hill and this causes him problems at the festival every year. There are so many band wagons he doesn't know which one to jump on. I mean, seriously does anyone believe a word he says. He is, as we know a trained PR man and can orate from memory for two hours. A great skill, but still bullshit. I can shit huge turds. I don't see why that skill is any poorer than David 'Hitler boy' Cameron. Shiting on people is what politicians do best.
Oh and by the way Mr Cameron, have a little less botox.

David Cameron was quoted as saying ''I won't cut the NHS''. Yeah Yeah and Hitler said he wouldn't invade Poland.
The next concerning thing about David is just how thick he is. In July 2008 he cycled to the local shop and chained his bike to a two foot bollard. This allowed thieves to simply lift the bike over the bollard. What a wanker. This man is about to lead the country. He makes Bush look intelligent.

The liberals I actually feel sorry for. You need approx 400 seats to win the election outright. Even if the Liberals maintain a thirty percent vote they will have 88 seats. They can just not get elected under our current system. The reason why Labour and Conservatives do not want electoral change is exactly for that reason. Therefore this poor bloke from The liberals can say anything he wants, he can offer anything and knows that it will not happen for him. the liberals could invent the cure for cancer and they wouldnt win the election. Not until the way we vote changes. I tried to think up a joke about Nick Clegg..... nothing.

My final point here is the point that everyone seems to miss. Your vote is not for who you want to be Prime Minister. It is supposed to be for who you want to be your local MP. We do not vote for the Prime Minister.

Oh and by the way, did you know that an anagram of David Cameron is 'random advice'. A coincidence, I think not.

I will log off and leave you with this thought, David Cameron said he needed a strong mandate. Well Julian Clary is a big lad. I'm sure he'd be available for a few shandys and a spot of dominant fisting.

More important information regarding Mousegate

The mouse is still here. I am not entirely sure if it is the same mouse because they all look the same to me, except for the cute white albino ones. Although even they look the same as other white albino mice. This mouse is your typical brown variety. I am not a happy chappy with it still being here so I have been working on my mousetrap.

After numerous complaints for cruelty to animals after using the original 'cut the bastard in half trap' I have devised on devising a safe trap. I Now understand that the mouse has the right to life and all that stuff and accept and previous gaff I may have made. The set up is as follows.

There is a piece of cheese strategically placed on the floor, I then have a video camera set up on infra red light which is linked to a pager which attaches to my pyjamas and goes bing bing should the camera be activated. I then read the display and I know we have mice alert.
I then have to quickly get to the doorway entrance to the kitchen to activate my safe mouse trap. It works like this.

I turn a crank which rotates a vertical gear, connected to a horizontal gear. As that gear turns, it pushes an elastic-loaded lever until it snaps back in place, hitting a swinging boot. This causes the boot to kick over a bucket, sending a marble down a zigzagging incline which feeds into a chute. This leads the marble to hit a vertical pole, at the top of which is an open hand, palm-up, which is supporting a larger ball . The movement of the pole knocks the ball free to fall through a hole in its platform into a bathtub, and then through a hole in the tub onto one end of a see-saw. This launches a diver on the other end into a tub which is on the same base as the barbed pole supporting the mouse cage. The movement of the tub shakes the cage free from the top of the pole and allows it to fall. This then lands on the mouse where I am able to collect the rodent at my own leisure.

I am then going to be even greener and save on plastic. I will then dissect the mouse and insert a marble in its back which will be carefully connected to some wires to create a contact point. This will then be wired via its tail to a USB interface which should connect directly to my computer. This new organic mouse could save on millions of tons of plastic a year and save the planet.

Patent Pending

This week so far

Not written for a while, wanted to keep away from politics, fear I will rant on and on, but what a week.

Some of you may be aware that I do not have the greatest relationship with my parents, my brother and sister both have similar relationships with them, i.e. there isn't one.
So Monday morning my brother gets a call from the school that there has been a problem with his 5 year old daughter. The short version of the story is that my mum and dad have turned up at the school and by all accounts were very likely trying to snatch her. This has resulted in them having to consider a restraining order on a couple of old aged pensioners. The school have had to place this poor young girl on red alert should they turn up at the school again. The head expressed her deep concern at the methods and approach used by my parents and explained that the police would be called should they be seen loitering around the grounds.

Last night at just after 9pm, I discovered we had no milk. So off I trotted to get a four pint. As I returned home and turned the corner I saw a man jump out of a car who appeared to be quite angry. (this is rather under describing how angry he in fact was acting). He was clutching a bag which was enormous, either that or he was a borrower. It was the sort of bag I used when delivering the trader when I was just a lad. Not trying to be over Gokyfied but it was in a canvas material too. A sort of oversized man bag.

He was ranting and swinging this bag at the car. It became obvious that he was unaware that canvas was not a good weapon to break a car window with. Unless of course it had bricks in it. The lady drove off, I put my head down and attempted entry to my front door, where I heard a yell,
“oi u facking want sum” (he was a southerner of some description). This was said while he appeared to be attempting to stand in a stance similar to Eminem rapping about how thin he is or a chimpanzee shitting. I was about to tell him that I didn't like free newspapers when I caught sight of his eyes. The hairs on my head would have stuck up, had there been any. Instead I felt the hair on my arse quiver and erectify. This man was obviously out of control and in a bad mood. Probably something like Gordon Brown after his meeting with Geraldine 'The Bigot' from Rochdale.
I decided on a calm lets get the fuck out of here approach. I was missing Heston's scary feast on the television. I therefore just told him I had been to the shop and it, whatever it was, was nothing to do with me. I closed the door and went straight to the phone to ring the police. My sixth sense had kicked in and I knew this Neanderthal was a danger to anyone who may pass by.
He then must have decided on two things. Firstly I was going to get a newspaper and secondly he was 'Hong Kong Phoeey'. He was obviously that drunk that he was unable to find our letterbox as he decided to run at the door and drop kick it.

The door is a UPVC thingy and the complete middle flew out, leaving us door-less. He then ran off in the style that runners in that much missed game, knock-a-door-run used to do.

The police arrived and the rest is sort of history. My first attempt at putting the door back together resulted in me putting it back together, back to front. So in the end I went to my mates house and asked Rich to do it. I did an excellent job of supervising the repair.

This morning I got up and went to the kitchen, where to my horror there was a mouse sitting on the floor, near the cooker. I tried to scare it by waving my hands around as though and aeroplane was wanting to taxi through my parlour. The mouse seemed to shrug its shoulders and remained in the same place. Bastard. I then approached him where he (or she) slipped under the cooker. I retreated back to the doorway and he popped back out and just sat there. I decided I needed to outsmart him so I got onto all fours and tried to sneak up on him like I saw the leopard doing in 'Survival, with Ray Mears' last week. I had my back hunched and I pushed my face forward and moved one arm three inches in seven minutes. It did seem to work because 28 minutes later I was only fifteen feet away. The little bastard then went back under the cooker and I had to shout Carol to help me get up because my knees had gone.

Then I remembered the mouse trap I have in the shed. Its one of the proper ones. The type that chops the fucker in half (you might notice by my language that I was in a bad mood). I loaded the trap with a little bit of bread, dosed in honey, I spring loaded the trap and set it in place. I was panicking that the phone might ring or anyone may fart. The trap was that sensitively set. I retreated to the doorway. Almost at once, BoJangles as I now call him, appeared. He approached the trap. Die you bastard, I whispered. This you may not believe but this is honestly what happened. He leant over and lifted the bread from the trap. Then disappeared. I was stunned. I decided to set it again and the air trigger was that sensitive I had trouble in placing the trap on the floor. Again he appeared and lifted the bread. I was double stunned. I carefully lent down to pick up the trap and as soon as my fingers made contact with the side 'WHACK' it snapped shut.

I will be working on a devious trap later tonight.

Part two of my anti- Whitehall Blog

I have always been politically minded. I have voted in every single election since I was 18 and I always believed vehemently that if you didn’t vote then you had no right to complain.

My opinion has finally changed. Lets first discus the three leaders.

Gordon Brown, looks like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle, has one good eye and one glass. That shouldn’t be held against him, I am aware of that but lets be honest. Does he look trustworthy? Does he look like a leader of a nation? If this man invented the cure for cancer I think people would just shrug their shoulders and say ‘whatever’. He stands there at every speech clasping his hands together with one thumb balanced over the other. It is a body language trick that is supposed to portray openness and honesty. He manages to assume this position and look a twat. He was never even elected to be the PM. Surely if one stands down that should automatically instigate an election rather than a pass the job on to your mate. Can you think of another highly paid job anywhere in society where you could be given the job by a mate rather than at last have an interview.

Then we have David Cameron, he looks like a podgy faced lipless, inbred who wouldn’t be out of place with an SS uniform on. Next time you see his picture, draw a Hitler moustache on him, say no more.

He pretends he is one of the people. This man is part of the upper class society circles. He went to school with Boris Johnson. He attended Eton. He is interested in one thing and one thing alone, Power. If you believe a word this man says then you need help.

Then there is the other one; I can’t even remember his name.
The conservatives complain about Europe, who took us in. Answer, the Tories. In all the years we had Thatcher the milk snatcher, did they ever take us out. Answer, no. But as soon as they were in opposition they complain and moan about labour keeping us there. If they get back in, will they take us out? Answer, No.

Mad Cow disease. Now in simple terms this was caused by farmers feeding cattle with the ground bones of other cattle. They wanted to use up the bits that were left after slaughter. The Americans had experimented with this approach twenty years earlier and had already discovered how dangerous it was and abandoned it immediately. If you read the report that came out years later you will see that the govt were given all this information and were told just how dangerous a practice it was. They even had a minister make his child eat a burger live on TV when that minister actually knew just how dangerous our beef was. But remember, at that time some of the countries richest farmers were part of the govt and they wanted more profit. They didn’t give a shit about the health of the population. They just wanted to be richer. If it had been reported in another country that a govt had been putting their people in danger to make themselves richer, we would be up in arms. We would accuse their leaders of genocide. Yet this is exactly what was done to the people of this Island.

We work hard, we save money in a retirement fund to try and secure a half decent old age. What does the govt do, tax our pension. The labour party who had the chance to continue the good work done in the first few years of their stint. The labour party, who could have kept in power for many decades in my opinion, blew it for one reason. Power. They proved to be just the same as the Tories before them. Give them to much power for too long and they think they are above the law. To a degree, they are. Labour MP’s have been recorded offering their services for five grand a day admitting they can change the law. Exactly what the Tories were doing before them. The sleaze from the lot of them is beyond a joke. They wonder why less and less people vote. Are they that stupid? Does anyone respect a serving politician any longer? And you do not want me to get onto conspiracy theories. Do you have any idea how many people in authority who opposed the Iraq war have died suddenly, including MPs. The answer is many.

I can say with more honesty than any serving politician could manage, that I would be more than happy if everyone refused to vote. The politicians and the politically motivated papers tell us there would be meltdown. Utter rubbish. If no person voted then they would all have to sit down together and work democratically to sort out the issue. Knowing just how corrupt every single one of them is, I have a huge moral dilemma in voting for any one of them. However they know and realise that we are a herding animal, we are sheep. We complain and moan about our lot but what do we ever do about it. We take it on the chin and allow them to continue.

In part three I will briefly moan about MP’s expenses. That is what is giving me my personal dilemma about whether to vote or not. For me, just because it happened several months ago and Whitehall has got rid of it from the public eye, it hasn’t gone away for me.

The Lies of Parliament - Part One

This blog is going to be in three parts. Part one today is about transport and greenhouse gases.

I am having a moan about government. When I say govt I mean all of them, parliament so to speak. I am talking about the process of who taxes us. When it comes down to it, we are all just characters from ‘Animal Farm’. The book not the porn film by the way.

Today we have governments and opposition droning on about how we need to get out of our cars and use public transport. For those of you that may have forgot or didn’t realise, in the early 1960’s the conservative party closed down 9,000 miles of railroad. Closed over 2,000 railway stations and made over 70,000 people redundant. As they put it, this was the dawn of the car and the railways were losing money. This was a fair point to a degree. Many parts of the railway were not being used. The conservatives actually said that the problem had been the previous privatisation of the railways. Amazing that not only did they decimate it they then re-privatised it under John Major.

The result was that car tax had to rise by 67% over the next four years to pay for the modernisation of the roads. Had this increase in tax been used to keep the half of the railway network open that was still viable, then we would not have any of the problems we have today. The short sightedness of govt just went to prove how they did not give a shit about the people. Other countries were improving and increasing railroads. Don’t be fooled by the old chestnut ‘other countries were flattened in the war, so could rebuild’. We had rail tracks and stations everywhere. It was closed down simply to increase revenue from car tax, which has very rarely been pumped back into the economy for the improvement of transport.

This is another example of the shambles that is government. While I am complaining about the destruction of the railways consider another thing. Tens of billions of pounds is about to be spent on reducing the time it takes to get from Glasgow to London on the train (only for people in west country mind you). It will amount to a few minutes saved. All this will do is increase the length of journeys people make and increase travelling. This has happened everywhere this has happened. Surely in this apparent world of reducing C02 we should be improving local transport services to reduce people’s use of cars for shorter journeys. This may then encourage more local employment.

Let me give you an example. If you get the train from Long Eaton to Nottingham and return, you save half a kilo of C02 for the trip. If you increase that by the two trains an hour for lets say 8 hours with an average of just 80 people (remember the morning trains are rammed) for a return trip makes a saving of 1280 kg of C02. That is the equivalent of boiling 1680 kettles. So if the local services were improved how much C02 could we really save. some traisn have 500 people on them. The saving could be incredible.

The moral here is quite simple. The governments are simply lying when they talk about green issues. Everything they talk about has only one interest to them. Can they raise taxes from it? If they were green they would be laying local tracks for trams and trains. They don’t really want cars off the roads. One millions cars of the road would lose an awful lot of tax revenue.

And remember one more thing, in the mid seventies govt told us that the world was drastically cooling down and we needed to increase C02 emissions. It is about time we started to completely ignore anything said by Parliament. I think The Daily Mail should sponsor Parliament. They could quite happily bullshit together.

In future parts of this Bri-rant I will be discussing, Europe, Mad Cow disease and tax, Pensions and defiantly MP's expenses.