job Interview

Been for a job interview today. My appointment was 10.00am. By 9.15 I had checked out the venue and had a little wander about. At 9.30 I decided to enter the building as I needed the loo. Quite badly in fact. I had just drunk a two shot Latte and it was already churning my stomach. I think it had been laced with laxoberol so you should be aware which number was required. Enough said. After being left at the door for three minutes while he triple checked I wasn't on his list he decided to let me in. After showing him my invitation letter, which incidentally had the same information as that I had spoken to him three times he suddenly arrived back on earth and miraculously saw me on the list. Made the Phone call and told me someone would be down later to take me upstairs, so take a seat. This guy was such a stereotype for this type of security guard. Blue uniform which was a cross between a traffic warden and street warden in a fetching navy blue, white shirt, blue tie and blue peaked cap (AKA Blakey from 'on the buses'. Google him). The main difference he had I swear embroidered his own motifs and gold braid onto sections of his uniform. He was also two stone overweight and never once looked up at me. I had twenty four minutes to wait and Mr Pooh was trying to poke out. "excuse me where is the toilet" I asked trying to keep calm and basically not shit myself. The caffeine was working its merry magic. "can't let ya in there unattended" he barked. "You'll have to wait till someone comes down". Now I wasn't sure what was so special about the toilets. I was in a Financial services institution so maybe that's where they keep the safe. Maybe there has been a spate of soap thefts. I wasn't sure. I decided to sit down. Wow that did not help. I tried pushing my arse onto the corner of the chair. This caused a violent surge of air to fill my bowels. I held on. Stood, walked about clenching my bottom. I was like a 16th century ponce mincing. I needed only the wig and fan and I was there. When you assume the 'mincing I need a shit position' you also have to push your pelvis out. Involuntary I might add. I looked up and realised I was pushing my balls right at the security guard. he shook his head. Only 8 minutes left. Somebody walked past the window with a Labrador puppy. A sign I concluded. With 7 minutes to go a lady turned the corner. This way please. "Can we use the lift" I squeaked, voice all but gone. As we get out the lift and go to enter the room I ask if it's OK to use the toilet. "No problem, it's just there. I will wait outside the door for you" she said. I could not believe it. Now what. Do I try and have a world speed shit or do I go for a wee, pass wind and hope everything will be OK for a while. I decided I could knock one out quickly. 6 minutes later I am still wiping, crouched over in pain. I hear the door knock and a gentle concerned voice shout "Everything OK Mr Lee". I didn't want the job anyway.