Amsterdam Part deux

Here we go. Part two. The R key has fallen from the notebook. This could take some time.

I'm over Jabba and composed again. As a recap, the alcohol situation was sorted. we had seen the sights and now it was time to do what we went to Amsterdam to do.... get high.

Seriously, neither of us knew anything about drugs, it sort of passed me by in he eighties and by the nineties I had more important things to think about. So we are wandering around the streets and eventually entered a place called Grasshopper on Nieuwezijds Voorburgwal. It smelt like the right type of shop. What coffee had to do with this place was beyond me (comments to why its called a coffee shop will be greatly received). We enter, we browse, we try to look like we know what we are doing, we give up and ask for help. However, being a man I still try to ask for help as though I am asking for her benefit, giving him that knowing nod that exists between men. The one that says hey sorry to ask you this mate, but it makes the lady more secure.

"Can I have an extra light silk cut type spliff"I say nodding approvingly but decide not to call him man.

"Har, so you being here as virgin shmokers then my friend." Cover blown I nodded apologetically and admit we are scared but ready to try.

We get our joint. The thing is rolled perfectly (I opted for pre-rolled). It' even in its own miniature see through vibrator type vestibule. We place it between us on the table and stare at it, a tingle of excitement tinged with slight apprehension. The one that makes your stomach slightly move position and send breakfast south a little faster than normal.

This place is relaxed, its positively horizontal. There are cosy little corners with settees that have been there since August 67. twenty watt bulbs giving the place a glow not quite stretching to the corners. I think I now get the coffee shop thing. almost like a small Starbucks, but darker and no coffee or overpriced pastry type snacks. People were all relaxed, lounging, chilled and inhaling from various implements, gadgets and cigarette shaped items. They were even blowing gigantic balloons up. Let me stress, these ones didn't say Happy birthday on them or were they being filled with a substance to help you talk like Ashley from Coronation Street. Did I say this place was chilled.

We gently removed our prize from its cocoon, examine it for one last time and I get the job of lighting it. I put it in my mouth, ignite its end and draw on it. Long and hard I inhale and hold it there in my lungs, then slowly exhale while Carol repeats. we look at each other and start coughing and coughing and couching. I coughed so hard my lungs felt like only my tonsils were stopping them hitting the table like some type of organ sushi.

Two minutes later after being asked to leave so we would not ruin anyone elses evening we were making our way to another coffee shop, feeling nothing but not to be put off. We decided on Plan B. Now plan B was actually the same as plan A but included not inhaling as much smoke.

Lungs recovered and safely sat in Betty Boo's coffee shop we were ready again. Hey this is working. We have taken three draws each and so far so good. Bang, heat, help. Suddenly i feel like my blood has turned to lava and its burning round my body. I feel like there must be steam coming out of my ears like some post war loony tunes cartoon character. I quickly stepped outside and luckily there was a light drizzle and cold. Wow, did I not like that, but I'm feeling better, well cooler. So I go back inside to tell Carol I'm feeling much better. Carol however, is siting there looking like a murderer on the run. She wants to go back because she thinks her bottle of Coke is after her. mmm scary.

Back at the hotel after picking up some chocolate and crisps (had munchies). I am sat there eating this Snickers bar. It seemed to be taking ages. Everything was so slow. my mouth turning like a cow grazing in slow motion. round and round, chew and chew. Carol was obviously experiencing the same slow down of time versus reality.

"That's taking ages to eat" she said to me and started trying to video me.

"It was a marathon when I started it" I replied. Eventually i managed to swallow the rest and climbed into bed. Decided to make love to the wife. Well I say I tried. I just couldn't speed up. I am sure the Tulips were growing faster than I was moving. I tried to focus, tried counting techniques. I even considered sticking my fingers in the plug socket. Anyway, after what seemed an eternity we somehow managed to complete the deed. I imagine that making love on the moon would be something similar. Time to snuggle up.

Woke up the next morning with the bed four feet from the wall and dried blood on both knees where i had suffered third degree speed cotton sheet burns.

Morale of this tale. I don't think we need to bother with trying that again.