Friday, 26 March 2010

What is wrong with living in a flat?

I was walking from my house to the town centre today. About half way to town, there are some flats on the main road, on the left hand side. They are typical of a 1960’s design. Square, concrete, strangely painted below every window in a powder green colour. No lifts, hypodermics instead of chrysanthemums in the front lawn area and Burberry the choice of 95% of clothing seen entering and exiting the bomb proof communal door. The Burberry cap appears to be the clothing item of choice.

There is a sign outside announcing ‘Apartments for rent’. Where are these apartments that are for renting, I pondered? Then to my horror I realised that it was these monstrosities that we were suddenly being expected to think of as an apartment.

This led me to a new quest. When did shitty, chavy, crime-ridden flats with concrete stairs to each floor become apartments? I need to know. If prince Charles viewed these flats, (sorry apartments) he would shudder. In my quest, what I discovered shocked me to the core. To the core I tell you.

Lets start by defining what apartments and flats are. This is the definition.

An apartment is a room or suite of rooms used as a dwelling unit. Not necessarily self-contained. The term flat is used to describe a self-contained dwelling unit in multi-unit dwellings.

Now based on that information, surely a flat is better than an apartment. Flats kick ass here. If I am trying to appear posh or at least not middle class then surely I require a flat. If I end up in an apartment then surely there is a chance I may have to share the bathroom with the seventy five year old incontinent who lives down the hall, passes floaters and thinks the bog brush is actually the loofah.

So why don’t we want to call our abodes a flat. I think it’s the word. What does the word flat actually conjure up?
1. A tyre that requires air
2. Feeling depressed
3. Deflated
4. Fully discharged
5. Without gloss
All these definitions are depressing. If I want to cry, it may be because I feel flat. If I have a flat I need to change the tyre. The word just isn’t sexy. Apartment is sexy its like cum and orgasm. Cum sounds quick and squirty where as orgasm sounds like a build up and explosion.

Yet when someone says they have an apartment it brings up thoughts of large rooms. Old warehouses and shagpile carpets. If the apartment is on the top floor then we can also call it a penthouse.

The word apartment is just another excuse for Americanism to take over our language. I say we take it back. Be proud of your flat. At least it has more than one room. At least it is self-contained and has its own shit pit.

Next week I am going to research where the term Bob came from, when used to mean having a shit.


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